Entry 10- Why so inconsiderate?

Dear Journal,
There's a reason way I don't talk to anyone surrounding me. Its not me, its them. ALL OF THEM. They don't know what peace means when someone tells them. I never would've expected myself to get into this mess. Yes, I call all of them a mess. They would try to talk but only rarely. If they talked to me, I always try to end the conversation because of their enlarging ego. They talk too much even during class. I know its normal for students, but can't they see that I'm trying to listen. If they fail, they'll be crying why they didn't pass. I wouldn't pity for their sorry little asses. They f***ed up, and its their fault, not mine. If they need notes, I would give it to them but I'm not explaining anything to them. I would actually try to constantly remind myself not to teach them because I forget all the time or I don't have the guts to do it. Am I too kind for my own good? Am I making myself suffer through all of this? Why can't I understand them? Why do they have to be inconsiderate little bitches who doesn't have any care in the world? Sure, they may say that they have problems too and that they need to relax from them by talking to their seatmates, but didn't they think some people develop more problems from what they're doing? I didn't want to change my seat for the sake of my adviser's good. One day, I would literally explode at them and make them realize they're starting to get really annoying and inconsiderate. They might even cry because of this. Look, I may act calm and nice on the outside, but I'm pretty sure I'm a furious monster in the inside. If they want to go f*** with me, BRING. IT. ON. I wouldn't mind, really. Someone has to tell them anyway. People... the most inconsiderate, gullible, despicable, messed up living beings on this planet. Why can't they leave me alone? They wouldn't listen to the teacher until the teacher starts to cry, to get mad, or to shout. Why does it have to get to there? Teachers are already nice to all of us and then this is how you treat them? You, know-it-all people, don't know how to show a bit of respect. ,,/,, you all. People these days, never know hen they're gonna stab you right at the back. People can never see when people get hurt unless someone points it out to them. Nice people need bad people to correct, but if bad people over populate, nice people get eliminated until there is none left. I believed that there were no bad people in the world. They just needed motivation to be good. I'm constantly trying to be nice to them. I even cleaned the classroom because they were so messy. My classmates pass by but what did they do? They completely ignored me. I was the only one left in the classroom. I didn't have anyone to help me. I wonder when they would return the favor... I'm guessing... NEVER. They would just continually bring me down until the end of time. They will never understand me. No one will.

Entry 9- What I think...

Dear Journal,
                    The world is a cruel place. Everything I do, how I act, how I dress, EVERYTHING makes up who I am to people. One mistake and I'm hated. I try to be nice, help people, and even do them favors, and (I'm not kidding when I say...) when something goes wrong, the blame is on me. This is why I try to stay away from people. I know its part of life, but this keeps happening. Every time I do someone a favor, I don't benefit. I ALWAYS be the one getting hurt. You know what?! (I'm not mad at you, readers) I'm sick and tired of all of them. Why couldn't I do something where both the person and I benefit?Why does it have to be me getting in trouble? I can't do anything bad without getting caught. I RARELY do anything bad. Everything came at the wrong time. One thing I've never appreciated was how some people think after they found out I got blamed for what they caused. Either they ignore it or mouth out a quick "sorry"/give a peace sign and then act like nothing happened. They don't show any signs of guilt and regret. Its like you helped a stranger carry his stuff and at the end, you were stabbed at the back then realizing he was a criminal. It hurts to see people getting scolded for what they didn't do. If I know I didn't do anything wrong or do something for the wrong reasons, I wouldn't fight back and just remain silent for the meantime until the day comes where my emotions get the best of me and I let everything I've been keeping inside. Sometimes, the hard and mean way would be the best way. I couldn't think of a way to do it in an easy, calm, convenient and not mean manner.

Entry 8- The World

Dear Journal,

                    What is wrong with me? What is wrong with everything? Everything is just all some weird- messed up story. Why do I have to be lazy all the time? Why can't I do anything right? Why can't I lick my elbow? Why do people keep sending me Facebook games notifications even though it's clear I don't play it at all? Why am I so annoyed from it? Why can't I have my own laptop? Why can't I be as smart as other people? Why? Why is the world so messed up? This is what I've been thinking of since this morning. If you guys think the same way, welcome to the club. Seriously, I realized that we should stop thinking like that. It sounds suicidal. LET'S ALL AVOID THAT SHALL WE.

(*Random fact: In an hour, a friend of mine sends me 5+ Candy Crush notifications even though I don't play)

Entry 7- The Third Wheel

Dear Journal,
                   By the title, you could say I haven't been through a lot of happy things.
                   When you hear the word "third wheel", what would be the first thought that comes to you? Tricycle... Three wheeled transportation... or an extra insignificant little detail that interfere's with the whole thing. Right now, the third one best describes what happened. Someone asked me to be their third wheel in their secret date so it wouldn't look like one. I told her no, but just in case she won't get offended, I told her that I had plans on that day. I may be smiling on the outside, but you don't know how furious I am. In the inside, I'm crying, putting out a tantrum, and imagining what would it be like when I did say yes and went with their "date", and believe me, it wasn't pleasant at all. Just by hearing "third wheel", I already felt bad. Is that what she sees in me? Just an insignificant little detail that is only needed when the situation comes? A reason to get out of a situation where a relative of yours finds out about your date to save yourself from punishment? I may be kind to all of you, but that doesn't mean you have to take advantage of it. There are times where I could do favors and times that I do not. This... this is just bullcrap. If that's what you think of me, then be it. I wouldn't look at you the same anymore. If you're just using me, then you're not worthy of being called my friend. After I said "no", you shouted to your "date", who used to be my other crush, "She's so mean! She doesn't want to come with us!" HOW DARE YOU! I'm not going because I don't want to be part of it. I don't want to look like an idiot in front of people. I would feel awkward being the third wheel. If your relative sees you, you might say that you're not the one dating, it's me and your "boyfriend", and it would look like that I'm the bad guy or I'm the bad influence. No! I would not accept that. I don't want that. And if you're really my friend, you wouldn't ask me that nor would you react like I'm the bad person for not being your "third wheel".

Entry 6- Just Be quiet for once

Dear Journal,

                    Just earlier at school, I was answering something in my math book. I was disturbed by my classmate who was in front of me. He was asking me who my crush was. I told him I didn't want to talk about it because right now, I have no life anymore. He started guessing, and he guessed my ex-crush(the one who knew). I told him to stay quiet because someone would hear, especially the ex-crush who is seated 3 seats away from us. It comes out to show he, my ex-crush, heard his name and gave his attention to us. I don't blame him for doing so because like every normal person in this world, we would try to eavesdrop on a conversation about yourself or give your full attention to the conversation that had your name in it. Of course, my 'friend' didn't listen so when I tried explaining how it all happened, he was all like, "really?!?! I guessed it right!!!" On the outside, it looks like I didn't mind at all that it was normal. On the inside, I was a train wreck. I wanted to beat him up and throw my chair at him. He started blabbering more, and it looks like there is nothing that would stop him, and I was already annoyed, so I kicked his chair. At first, he didn't know why I was doing that. After a whole lot of kicking, he understood me and said to me and my ex-crush, "Sorry. Imagine this conversation never happened" then faced to the screen. That was a stupid move. I just want to rip his head off and smash it to pieces, but I can't because I'm not violent and crazy to do that. It was better off if he just kept quiet. If he did, none of this would have happened.

Entry 5- Just Please Don't take it out on me

Dear Journal,

                    I don't know what has gotten into my sister. Yesterday, she was all happy-go-lucky and like she didn't give a f*** about anything at all. Now, she was all cranky and upset about everything from the smallest little coincidences to the big mistakes. She has the worst mood swings; you'll never know when she'll have one. Just 10 minutes ago, I was asking her to type in her password, so I can use the laptop. I was waiting for her. She was mad at me for disturbing her already. She was all like "WHAT DO YOU POSSIBLY WANT NOW?!" I told her what I needed, and she obviously didn't want to do it. I gave up waiting for her and tried to guess the password using her old passwords. My first guess was right, and that made her furious. 5 minutes later, she was calling me. I went to her and she was giving me this sticker with a smile. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! Earlier, you were mad, and now, you're freakin' happy?! Has the world gone this mad?! It's that or I'm going insane. Great... Something else to worry about.

Entry 4- face reality

Dear journal,

                         I am really frustrated, right now. I really can't believe that I am being treated this way. Why is it that nobody notices what I try to give. I give ideas, jokes, I even talk about what happened in school for crying out loud. I want to have that sibling bonding time with my sister, and she chooses her cellphone over me. A CELLPHONE?! She forgot what she was about to say, and blames me for everything. She wouldn't even talk to me anymore. What kind of sister does that?! I know older sisters could be demanding, bossy, arrogant, and ignorant, but not this much. Now, let me tell you a story. I was grouped with my best friend and another group of friends. We were supposed to do this task, and I already proposed the best plan I've proposed for that subject. I was the first and my best friend approves with me. After 3 days, the group members decided to talk about it. One of my group mates even made a new plan. It was good, but let's say the pacing is too slow. It would make the class fall to sleep. That's not all. My other group mate decided to take the lead and make another one. She read all of the proposals, with mine too. By what she said next, I say she didn't bother reading my proposal. She complimented on the ones she liked, like what she made and the other one. When another group mate mentioned something about mine, she was all like, "yeah... that one was awesome, too." I could just hear the fake 'I like it' tone all over it. That hurt. She then proceeded to make the whole proposal and decided to put all of them together. It looked horrible. If I owned a company and she dared passed that to me, I would have threw it in the trash can the moment I started reading it. I can't present that in front of the class. I could just imagine it now. Everyone giving disapproving looks and confused faces with the 'what the heck' face. If I did present that, I couldn't look at myself the same way again. I wouldn't even dare look at myself in the mirror. She thinks she knew everything, but she doesn't. She has to see that what she is doing is a bit... no, not a bit, but a lot terrible than it looks. I hope she would see that by Monday. I don't mean to hurt her feelings, but she just has to face reality.

Entry 3- I met someone new

Dear Journal,
                     The atmosphere around me is lighter than before. It feels good that someone could finally relate with me. How do I know? Well, someone online sent me a message that she could relate with what I was saying, and it felt good. We talked for a short time because I'm not a good conversationalist and neither is she. She blogs, too, but she made it less than a year ago. She said that she really wanted to start it a long time ago, but she didn't know how. It was the school club she joined that made her make her own blog. At the end, she was given a choice to either continue or not, and she obviously continued it. At first, she wanted to be anonymous to the people, but eventually, she showed her face because it was required to. I got to know her a little bit, and she's not half bad. I'm not sure if she would approve me telling the world who she is, so I'm not saying anything. I wouldn't want to disappoint my first online friend. All-in-all, this day turned out well, so far.

Entry 2- A Blast from the past (A revival from my original Diary)

(This is an entry I wrote on June 19,2014 just to make my first entry clearer)

Dear Journal,

                        I had doubts on my existence. I didn't want to bother anyone, and it seems I'm doing a pretty bad job in it. What really got me the most was my trust on every student in my batch. I had a few glimpses from what happened before, and it was all so clear now. How can I be so blind?! I've been trusting them too much. Because of those glimpses, my trust on everyone lowered by a mile. I can't help, but feel sad and disappointed. All what I ask was to be alone to help me think things through, but I can't seem to find anyplace that I could be by myself. I can't even trust myself for crying out loud. How can I trust other people when I couldn't even start on myself?! Everything is against me now. If you know people are gonna leave you or back stab you, then don't trust them. Being back stabbed hurts in a figurative way. I don't want to feel this way. I know I couldn't take it, so desperate times like this call for desperate measures. I won't trust anyone except my relatives there and my best friend/s. I ask questions, but no answers. Is there something wrong with me? Everything is so messed up now. I try to forget, but the thought comes back, and I can't help but go to a corner and think about it. Now, I feel empty inside because I have no one else to trust. Everyone is just like strangers to me now. I can't help but feel heartbroken and guilty at the same time. I don't mean to offend anyone, but I don't know who or who not to trust. It may hurt them, but I can't let them hurt me anymore. Some of them have to earn my trust back, and its not gonna be easy. If they don't trust me, then we're even. Hopefully, everything would go back to normal, and it would all be so clear.

Entry 1- A new start

Dear Journal,
                          First entry and I'm sad enough. I made this to tell my problems to people without them knowing who I really am. I wouldn't like anyone to bombard (that's a word, right?) me with questions the next day when I go to school. I don't ask for views and attention. I just want to tell my problems and see if some people could relate.
                          Today, I was really depressed. Let me tell you a quick summary of what's happening. I know that my crush knows that I used to like him. I don't trust people now except my best friends. Back to the story! I was waiting for my uncle to pick me up from school when I felt people watching me. I turned to see that my used-to-be crush was pointing in my direction and whispering something in his friend's ear. I looked closely to see he was laughing. I tried looking around to see that there was nothing to laugh about. I set the thought aside and decided to think about it later. 10 minutes have passed, my uncle wasn't here yet.
I turned back and saw them again. This time with more people including the most ignorant girl of the batch. He was pointing in my direction, and they were laughing again. I debated with myself if it was really a good idea to not trust the batch. I came to a decision that I wouldn't trust them anymore. I know I might regret this decision someday, but I don't see why I would regret it. I know I am over exaggerating, but you would understand when this happens to you too. This is all I have to say.