Entry 12- I feel useless

Dear Journal,

                    I am having a bad day. I feel like I am no use to my friends. We have so many video projects, and I haven't helped much. When I try to help them, they keep pushing me away like they didn't need me at all. They give me disapproving looks and make me feel like I'm being a burden to them. I knew they needed help, but they didn't want my help. I just want to approach them and ask them if there is something wrong with me. I said sorry to them. They said it was okay, but their face says it's not. Helping is something I love doing. Take that away and make me feel like I'm a burden to you is what I hate. When I talk to them, it's like I don't exist.

                   They didn't need my help. They didn't want it. They didn't need me. Nobody did. Are they better off without me? Would it be better if I went away? Would they notice if I disappeared from their life? Would it make it any better? I want answers. If they didn't want me, they should tell it to me. I don't want to assume.

NO INTENSIVE CLASS MY ASS

Dear Jubs,

               Remember when you said where there isn't an intensive class this year in the Grade 11 batch? You fucking lied. Sorry for the rude language, but I think my rage/rant would not be complete without it. There are 3 sections- ABM, STEM AP, and STEM ICT. You said STEM AP is Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics Advanced Placement. From "Advanced Placement", you can already tell that that's the intensive class. Next, there are requirements to get in that class. What is that supposed to mean? "You have to get a grade higher than 88 in Science and Math to get in." while in STEM ICT, you just freely get in with no serious or specific grade requirements. What the actual hell guys? Are you fucking with me? Can this get any worse? Yes, it will, but on a different aspect. You never considered what job we want to take when we get out of college. What if I wanted to be a doctor and you placed me in STEM ICT which is the class for people who would take computer stuff in the near future. What if I never get to get in the course I wanted to be in and stuck to the course I was placed in? I wouldn't become happy with my life. I may be happy and all-smiley on the outside, but deep inside, I am frustrated, hurt, and any emotion that is the opposite of happy. You see. I am trying to make the most of my life here and now, you give me this. You tell me that it's fine. I can do it, but what if I can't? What if this whole thing is the reason why I can't get a good job in the future? If you wanted majority of us to pass the entrance exams, why won't you treat all of us like intensive students. I bet everything would be fine like that. Or open the slots for intensive class! I bet the list would be full by the time you check on it again. Being in the regular class instead of the intensive class makes me feel like I'm not good enough. It feels like they just said, "You fucked up, kid. You didn't make the cut." in front of my fucking face. Do you know how painful that is? Do you know how long I've struggled to get that thought out of my head for years? I lost hope in getting in one time and nearly cried myself to sleep because I thought I was a worthless person that isn't good enough for you. I hope you remove this system. This might be a big change for you, but I think this is for the better.

Entry 11- A letter to my enemy...

Dear Nico,
                  You know what? You are a b****... an attention wh**e... an inconsiderate sl** who thinks she knows everything! Yeah, I said it. You probably don't know what I'm talking about since I disguised your name. (yes, my enemy's name is not Nico, and if ever it is, I don't mean to offend any of the "Nico" population this badly except the person i am referring to. Please don't take it the wrong way.) Anyway, I remember the first time we were classmates. I didn't like you at all. You were bossy, inconsiderate, mean, rude, and a royal pain in the a**. You were pinching my arm so hard and telling me to move when the line isn't moving at all. When I did tell you, you looked more annoyed and started pinching me harder. That is not right. Then I heard a lot of what you did before to the other students. They weren't pleasant at all. I couldn't possibly enumerate everything you've done that I despised you for. They are too many that I lost count. It is because of you that my whole childhood was ruined. I was supposed to enjoy my childhood by being this happy-go-lucky kid who loves everybody she says "hi" to. Instead of ignoring me or being friends with me, you chose to hate my guts. Everything you've done made a major change to my life today. I could say I would've been happier if you weren't there to spoil everything up. I'm somehow thankful as well. Why? It made me realize what reality can do to me. Whenever I hear an assignment about crimes and problems, you're the first person that comes to mind. I look at your picture or think about you and... BOOM! My assignment is done. Aren't you glad I actually gave my time to think about you? It isn't my fault I think like that. It was all you. You made me into something I do not ever want to be. If you try to talk it out with me, I would if I can see if you wanted it for a good cause. If that good cause is for reputation, I don't think we'll go along well. Knowing that the whole batch knows I am kind to everyone, if they knew about my hatred towards you, your reputation will be destroyed, so try to keep it real and face it. I DON'T LIKE YOU. Understand?
                                                                                                                            From,
                                                                                                                                   Luna