Entry 12- I feel useless

Dear Journal,

                    I am having a bad day. I feel like I am no use to my friends. We have so many video projects, and I haven't helped much. When I try to help them, they keep pushing me away like they didn't need me at all. They give me disapproving looks and make me feel like I'm being a burden to them. I knew they needed help, but they didn't want my help. I just want to approach them and ask them if there is something wrong with me. I said sorry to them. They said it was okay, but their face says it's not. Helping is something I love doing. Take that away and make me feel like I'm a burden to you is what I hate. When I talk to them, it's like I don't exist.

                   They didn't need my help. They didn't want it. They didn't need me. Nobody did. Are they better off without me? Would it be better if I went away? Would they notice if I disappeared from their life? Would it make it any better? I want answers. If they didn't want me, they should tell it to me. I don't want to assume.

NO INTENSIVE CLASS MY ASS

Dear Jubs,

               Remember when you said where there isn't an intensive class this year in the Grade 11 batch? You fucking lied. Sorry for the rude language, but I think my rage/rant would not be complete without it. There are 3 sections- ABM, STEM AP, and STEM ICT. You said STEM AP is Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics Advanced Placement. From "Advanced Placement", you can already tell that that's the intensive class. Next, there are requirements to get in that class. What is that supposed to mean? "You have to get a grade higher than 88 in Science and Math to get in." while in STEM ICT, you just freely get in with no serious or specific grade requirements. What the actual hell guys? Are you fucking with me? Can this get any worse? Yes, it will, but on a different aspect. You never considered what job we want to take when we get out of college. What if I wanted to be a doctor and you placed me in STEM ICT which is the class for people who would take computer stuff in the near future. What if I never get to get in the course I wanted to be in and stuck to the course I was placed in? I wouldn't become happy with my life. I may be happy and all-smiley on the outside, but deep inside, I am frustrated, hurt, and any emotion that is the opposite of happy. You see. I am trying to make the most of my life here and now, you give me this. You tell me that it's fine. I can do it, but what if I can't? What if this whole thing is the reason why I can't get a good job in the future? If you wanted majority of us to pass the entrance exams, why won't you treat all of us like intensive students. I bet everything would be fine like that. Or open the slots for intensive class! I bet the list would be full by the time you check on it again. Being in the regular class instead of the intensive class makes me feel like I'm not good enough. It feels like they just said, "You fucked up, kid. You didn't make the cut." in front of my fucking face. Do you know how painful that is? Do you know how long I've struggled to get that thought out of my head for years? I lost hope in getting in one time and nearly cried myself to sleep because I thought I was a worthless person that isn't good enough for you. I hope you remove this system. This might be a big change for you, but I think this is for the better.

Entry 11- A letter to my enemy...

Dear Nico,
                  You know what? You are a b****... an attention wh**e... an inconsiderate sl** who thinks she knows everything! Yeah, I said it. You probably don't know what I'm talking about since I disguised your name. (yes, my enemy's name is not Nico, and if ever it is, I don't mean to offend any of the "Nico" population this badly except the person i am referring to. Please don't take it the wrong way.) Anyway, I remember the first time we were classmates. I didn't like you at all. You were bossy, inconsiderate, mean, rude, and a royal pain in the a**. You were pinching my arm so hard and telling me to move when the line isn't moving at all. When I did tell you, you looked more annoyed and started pinching me harder. That is not right. Then I heard a lot of what you did before to the other students. They weren't pleasant at all. I couldn't possibly enumerate everything you've done that I despised you for. They are too many that I lost count. It is because of you that my whole childhood was ruined. I was supposed to enjoy my childhood by being this happy-go-lucky kid who loves everybody she says "hi" to. Instead of ignoring me or being friends with me, you chose to hate my guts. Everything you've done made a major change to my life today. I could say I would've been happier if you weren't there to spoil everything up. I'm somehow thankful as well. Why? It made me realize what reality can do to me. Whenever I hear an assignment about crimes and problems, you're the first person that comes to mind. I look at your picture or think about you and... BOOM! My assignment is done. Aren't you glad I actually gave my time to think about you? It isn't my fault I think like that. It was all you. You made me into something I do not ever want to be. If you try to talk it out with me, I would if I can see if you wanted it for a good cause. If that good cause is for reputation, I don't think we'll go along well. Knowing that the whole batch knows I am kind to everyone, if they knew about my hatred towards you, your reputation will be destroyed, so try to keep it real and face it. I DON'T LIKE YOU. Understand?
                                                                                                                            From,
                                                                                                                                   Luna

Entry 10- Why so inconsiderate?

Dear Journal,
There's a reason way I don't talk to anyone surrounding me. Its not me, its them. ALL OF THEM. They don't know what peace means when someone tells them. I never would've expected myself to get into this mess. Yes, I call all of them a mess. They would try to talk but only rarely. If they talked to me, I always try to end the conversation because of their enlarging ego. They talk too much even during class. I know its normal for students, but can't they see that I'm trying to listen. If they fail, they'll be crying why they didn't pass. I wouldn't pity for their sorry little asses. They f***ed up, and its their fault, not mine. If they need notes, I would give it to them but I'm not explaining anything to them. I would actually try to constantly remind myself not to teach them because I forget all the time or I don't have the guts to do it. Am I too kind for my own good? Am I making myself suffer through all of this? Why can't I understand them? Why do they have to be inconsiderate little bitches who doesn't have any care in the world? Sure, they may say that they have problems too and that they need to relax from them by talking to their seatmates, but didn't they think some people develop more problems from what they're doing? I didn't want to change my seat for the sake of my adviser's good. One day, I would literally explode at them and make them realize they're starting to get really annoying and inconsiderate. They might even cry because of this. Look, I may act calm and nice on the outside, but I'm pretty sure I'm a furious monster in the inside. If they want to go f*** with me, BRING. IT. ON. I wouldn't mind, really. Someone has to tell them anyway. People... the most inconsiderate, gullible, despicable, messed up living beings on this planet. Why can't they leave me alone? They wouldn't listen to the teacher until the teacher starts to cry, to get mad, or to shout. Why does it have to get to there? Teachers are already nice to all of us and then this is how you treat them? You, know-it-all people, don't know how to show a bit of respect. ,,/,, you all. People these days, never know hen they're gonna stab you right at the back. People can never see when people get hurt unless someone points it out to them. Nice people need bad people to correct, but if bad people over populate, nice people get eliminated until there is none left. I believed that there were no bad people in the world. They just needed motivation to be good. I'm constantly trying to be nice to them. I even cleaned the classroom because they were so messy. My classmates pass by but what did they do? They completely ignored me. I was the only one left in the classroom. I didn't have anyone to help me. I wonder when they would return the favor... I'm guessing... NEVER. They would just continually bring me down until the end of time. They will never understand me. No one will.

Entry 9- What I think...

Dear Journal,
                    The world is a cruel place. Everything I do, how I act, how I dress, EVERYTHING makes up who I am to people. One mistake and I'm hated. I try to be nice, help people, and even do them favors, and (I'm not kidding when I say...) when something goes wrong, the blame is on me. This is why I try to stay away from people. I know its part of life, but this keeps happening. Every time I do someone a favor, I don't benefit. I ALWAYS be the one getting hurt. You know what?! (I'm not mad at you, readers) I'm sick and tired of all of them. Why couldn't I do something where both the person and I benefit?Why does it have to be me getting in trouble? I can't do anything bad without getting caught. I RARELY do anything bad. Everything came at the wrong time. One thing I've never appreciated was how some people think after they found out I got blamed for what they caused. Either they ignore it or mouth out a quick "sorry"/give a peace sign and then act like nothing happened. They don't show any signs of guilt and regret. Its like you helped a stranger carry his stuff and at the end, you were stabbed at the back then realizing he was a criminal. It hurts to see people getting scolded for what they didn't do. If I know I didn't do anything wrong or do something for the wrong reasons, I wouldn't fight back and just remain silent for the meantime until the day comes where my emotions get the best of me and I let everything I've been keeping inside. Sometimes, the hard and mean way would be the best way. I couldn't think of a way to do it in an easy, calm, convenient and not mean manner.

Entry 8- The World

Dear Journal,

                    What is wrong with me? What is wrong with everything? Everything is just all some weird- messed up story. Why do I have to be lazy all the time? Why can't I do anything right? Why can't I lick my elbow? Why do people keep sending me Facebook games notifications even though it's clear I don't play it at all? Why am I so annoyed from it? Why can't I have my own laptop? Why can't I be as smart as other people? Why? Why is the world so messed up? This is what I've been thinking of since this morning. If you guys think the same way, welcome to the club. Seriously, I realized that we should stop thinking like that. It sounds suicidal. LET'S ALL AVOID THAT SHALL WE.

(*Random fact: In an hour, a friend of mine sends me 5+ Candy Crush notifications even though I don't play)

Entry 7- The Third Wheel

Dear Journal,
                   By the title, you could say I haven't been through a lot of happy things.
                   When you hear the word "third wheel", what would be the first thought that comes to you? Tricycle... Three wheeled transportation... or an extra insignificant little detail that interfere's with the whole thing. Right now, the third one best describes what happened. Someone asked me to be their third wheel in their secret date so it wouldn't look like one. I told her no, but just in case she won't get offended, I told her that I had plans on that day. I may be smiling on the outside, but you don't know how furious I am. In the inside, I'm crying, putting out a tantrum, and imagining what would it be like when I did say yes and went with their "date", and believe me, it wasn't pleasant at all. Just by hearing "third wheel", I already felt bad. Is that what she sees in me? Just an insignificant little detail that is only needed when the situation comes? A reason to get out of a situation where a relative of yours finds out about your date to save yourself from punishment? I may be kind to all of you, but that doesn't mean you have to take advantage of it. There are times where I could do favors and times that I do not. This... this is just bullcrap. If that's what you think of me, then be it. I wouldn't look at you the same anymore. If you're just using me, then you're not worthy of being called my friend. After I said "no", you shouted to your "date", who used to be my other crush, "She's so mean! She doesn't want to come with us!" HOW DARE YOU! I'm not going because I don't want to be part of it. I don't want to look like an idiot in front of people. I would feel awkward being the third wheel. If your relative sees you, you might say that you're not the one dating, it's me and your "boyfriend", and it would look like that I'm the bad guy or I'm the bad influence. No! I would not accept that. I don't want that. And if you're really my friend, you wouldn't ask me that nor would you react like I'm the bad person for not being your "third wheel".